i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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