hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
