Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
