Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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