so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
