I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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