when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
