Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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