Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
