Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
