Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
