sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
vagina is talking i cant
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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