I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
