i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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