you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I need to sanitize my soul.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
