yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Duck Duck Cougar?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
