Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In other news, I just burned my penis
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
