in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
