Your dad touched me again.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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