Need sex. Gaining weight.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
