just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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