so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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