my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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