i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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