and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
