I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
dude. I can hear the air.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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