I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
