We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sorry about my life...
I need to calm my uterus...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
