Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dignity is for republicans.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
