At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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