...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
