seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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