Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
