my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
