I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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