If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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