He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize