guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
