He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize