Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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