no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
