my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize