We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
