I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
