and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Enjoy the penises
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
