There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
