My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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