Your dad touched me again.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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