im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
