wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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