If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
