so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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