I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
