Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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