I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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