I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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