He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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