he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
