I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
