Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
