Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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