Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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